I began to sense that there was more going on in my imagination than in other boys wonderings and dreams. And what was happening was... wonderful... scary... daunting... and satisfying. Uh-huh... at least as satisfying as winning a football game, or going way back and CATCHING the popup to shut the other team down. While all that was neat... there was other cool stuff whisping about me, like lacy tendrils of pink fog on a warm spring night... I realized why fireflies danced in the magnolia air and how a seductive violin will cause skirts to billow and rustle with an ancient energy. I understood that I was able to enjoy more than most boys. AND most girls. I realized that I could stand in two places. Cross lines that others avoided. Feel sensations that rarely mingled. How lucky. How exciting. How... naughty...

Hmmm... How to do this? How to unravel my thoughts without unravelling everything else.... Um, okay... Suppose we do it in a meandering line? A hopscotch of teeny journal entries? Like tossing out cookie bits along a path so I can find my way back and you can find your way.. to me. At the moment.... Okay, let's turn back to...

Sunday March 29, 1998

Well, I did it. What a moment; actually many moments. It is so exhilarating! I can't believe I waited this long. Now that the door is wide I want to be Elayne constantly and to burst out as her. And it's only been since Wednesday. This was really my birthday. Elayne will celebrate her birthday on the 25th of March every year. Everything up until now has been the Act One.

I want to capture it all so that I can look back several years from now and experience the same highs all over again. Please join me. At the moment...

Friday March 20,1998

I called a wig boutique about whether they sold female wigs to male clients. "YES!" Be still my heart.----- she said... "YES!" So we set a time for 2:00 pm Friday. It was supposed to be a private appointment but there were other ladies there so we went into the back. I tried on several different styles. Geat fun! I purchased two wigs; one a short haired one that actually matches my hair color and the other in dirty blonde. She cut and styled them while I waited.

I also ordered clothes from the Sears catalog. It is one thing to dress at home but you really need a completely different set of clothes to go out. Right?. Some weren't available but there was a yuuuumy blue jacket and a blouse and skirt together with a pair of blue slacks and a pair of yummier shoes. Anyway all that arrived Monday night (pictures coming - not to worry). My wife was not pleased that I spent sooo much. <giggle> Little did she know how things would escalate.

Wednesday March 25, 1998 4:00 pm - 11:30 pm - Elayne's birthday moment

Okay.... two days of flitting butterflies.. Nothing specific just the whole thing probably. After all - Elayne was going out to a tg CONFERENCE!. Right here in my Canadian city. Ohhhh look. .... A session by a cosmetician in the program. Neeeet. When I finally got her number she was booked for the opening Wednseday. I wanted her to do my makeup for that evening. Well I decided to get it done at Wildside. Why not? When I called to make it earlier they told me that they were also doing them at the hotel conference. So at 4 pm, there I was and by 5:30 there was Elayne - hustling up to Phyllis' room to get changed. I was originally just coming down for the cocktail party but Wednesday morning I called Phyllis and asked her to get me a ticket for RENT (no not me... for the musical). See, Phyllis was in charge of escorting everyone to the plays. So not only did I make my debut at the party but got onto the bus with 32 other ladies and went off to the play. It was neat feeling the cold air on my nyloned legs and really having to worry about where I stepped to avoid a heel in a grate; and well... I went in those 4 inch heels. Yup. Of course I had no problem walking in them at home, but in the real world... Talk about your towering challenges. Woof! The play was great. There were the usual comments about drag queens. Then it was back to the hotel and back to drab.

Thursday March 26 8:00 AM - 6:00 PM

Well, I did my own makeup based on some notes from a video of Paddy at Wildside doing my makeup 12 years ago. The cosmetics were from them as well. It came out too red; definitely too much red blush and in the wrong place. Well I went downstairs at 9:00 am to register and take the seminar package since I only planned to be there for Thursday. Unlike the gals who were in the hotel, it was just going to be a daytime thing for me. But, since it was only $50 US for the whole thing, hey - why not buy tickets to everything? Maybe I would do more. Little did I know what I was getting into. So I went to the first seminar on makeup by Susan Kirsch. Whoa. Great work on some faces. Her workshop through noon sold me. I hoped to have her do me Friday at 9 but nope, no room till 11:45 am. Met new people at lunch. Nifty. But since they were there day and night, I didn't end up with any lasting friendships other than Phyllis and another lady that I'll write about later. More seminars in the afternoon until 5:00 PM. - and then like Cinderella at midnight - pooof - back to male drab. I didn't feel like going to the Famous People Players that night.

Friday March 27 8:00 AM - 9:30 PM

Well, this is breakthrough day. It is amazing that when one dresses at home the wardrobe doesn't matter; whatever I want to put on I can; BUT... outside... well no wonder girls have bulging closets and so little to wear... I was out of clothes, people! I did manage to find a grey skirt that my wife gave me that just fit and along with a pair of grey pumps and a white floral blouse I was okay for the day. I had to do my own makeup again for the morning session. Still too red - puzzling since I'd used brown blush.

I really enjoyed Richard Docteur ( I love that name - Dr. Docteur) . Anyway I left at 11:30 AM to go up to the room to take off all the makeup so Susan could redo it. You know what happened going down on the elevator? Well I was dressed as Elayne with no makeup. It was crammed with non-T people. And it wouldn't stop at 2 so I had to go to the lobby and take the escalator up! There was DEAD silence. Can you imagine how they tittered when I got off? Ouch!

Susan did her magic on me and I mean magic. Pictures do not do it justice. I actually had 2 people come up to me and tell me how good I looked. I loved it. It is a natural look. She wants me to master that and then we will work on color. As an aside the makeover was FREE. Now I was prepared to pay for it as well as the makeup that I bought and I bought $300 worth; that's $US210 but, since my old paint was 12 years old, I got the works.

She worked so fast that I still had time for the formal lunch and met some more people. After lunch I hooked up with Angela from Richmond . I talked with her at the cocktail party Wednesday and bumped into her during the sessions. She's got a great look. One thing led to another and she volunteered to walk with me to the Eaton Centre about two blocks away. I was thrilled. There I was strolling outside with my skirt and hair flapping in the breeze. And in the Eaton Centre, stopping to look at shoes, clothes etc and not having to feel guilty or embarrassed about it. What a feeling! No one paid us any attention. In fact at one point Angela hung back and watched to see if there were any funny looks. Nope, not one. So we made our way back. And it was back to an afternoon of seminars.

A gg who lives downtown near the hotel called me; she's in media; a wonderfully emotional person. She needed some work done on her computer (that's what I do). I decided to have her bring it to the hotel and Elayne would answer the door. How's that for coming out? I wanted to see whether she would recognize me and what her reaction would be. I trust her not to say anything. She was coming at 5:45 pm. So more butterflies.

Poo! At 6:10 PM she called to say she went to the wrong hotels, her root canal was killing her and she couldn't handle a conversation now and I would help her next week. I still plan to come out to her. I have decided that I need someone who can help me shop and I think that she will help me. I just don't have the sense yet to balance this with that, you know - another eye helps. My wife won't do it but I am still hoping.

With no evening wear, I skipped the AIDS benefit. However I was torn between going shopping and going to Glamour Shots. I have always wanted to do that. So I called up and they weren't busy. I booked an appointment for 15 minutes later and walked over. They didn't say a word the whole time. In fact about midway through I asked if they had done any transgendered people before. In hindsight it would have been interesting to know when they read me. Four outfits and four poses. I purchased more than I wanted to but we'll see how they come out. If they do come out well, it will have been worth it. (images to be posted later). It was hard to tell from the computer images. Well it was then closing time at the mall so no time for shopping. I went back to the hotel and back to drab and home.

Saturday 11:00 AM - 4:30 PM

Now Elayne is one liberated gal who needs to be out and about. My wife was off shopping with some girlfriends and I'd bought that full seminar pass... so this girl was going back! AND THIS TIME ELAYNE WOULD GO FROM HOME IN THE DAYLIGHT! I was really happy with the makeup job; not as good as Susan did, but practice is getting me somewhere. And I'll be going back to Susan for a lesson (1-1/2 hours for $50 US).

I was a little nervous as I left my house. The neighbors could see me getting into my car; or someone who knows my car could see me in the neighborhood. But so what? Of course the parkway was jammed and I got stuck in traffic so the others drivers could check out the fabulous babe better. After parking the car in the hotel I wandered over to another close mall - The Atrium on Bay. There were two shoe stores in the mall. I needed to find some 1 to 1 1/2 inch heels. It's one thing to walk around at home in 4 inch heels but it is quite another to have to do it all day. The one pair of low heeled shoes were more of a really casual type. I wore those Thursday. On Friday I went around in my 4 inch grey heels. So that was the objective.

The first store that I went into was large sizes only; I take a size 8. On the way to the second store I found a watch repair shop. The watch that I borrowed from my wife wasn't working. I used it for show more than anything else. So in I marched to a Clock/Watch shop and got him to change the batteries and clean it and fix it. There may have been a strange look from him but so what? Still on the way I passed a hosiery store. I have a hundred pairs of hose but when I went to get dressed today, the ones I wanted to wear all had runs. As I said it's one thing to dress at home and another to go out. One had a small run on the foot but if I was going to try on shoes I couldn't very well wear them. I found two similar pairs there and purchased them. The two girls in the store were helpful. I finally made it to the shoe store! And after much hemming and hawing I purchased two pairs of 1-1/2 inch pumps; one a classic and the other a little different; on sale too. He knew I was a TG but had no problems. He bemoaned the fact that he didn't know we were there. The owner sells fetish shoes and boots to such places as Northbound Leather and stores in California. I then walked back to the hotel and attended the afternoon sessions. We were going out that night so I had to go home at 4:00. I walked into the house through the front door.

Sunday 10:00 AM - THE BIG PURGE

You know, I hear many people do this purging but not me. Until today - never. Well, I decided if I was going to do this all properly and I was going to be out and about as Elayne then I had better get rid of all the clothes that were torn, did not fit or were simply not suitable for wearing out and about. And, oh yes, all the twelve year old makeup bit the dust. I really need a complete new wardrobe especially since I hope to be out quite a bit. I looked at some clothes while shopping Saturday but until there's some advice, they can wait.

Sunday March 29

So there you have it. And it's all due to dear Vickie Tern. I will be forever in her debt. I am just sorry that she wasn't there to share it all. Elayne is finally out and will be out forever or as long as forever is. Sorry to be so long winded. It lets me relive it, sharpen it all in my mind and keep it for the future so that I can see when Elayne was really born. I wish I could give all of you the biggest hug right now; in fact I wished that several times throughout the week. Without you, and particularly Vicky, none of this would have happened.

That's the end of this journal entry.... At the moment.